We Didn't Divorce You!

Earlier this week, my daughter asked me if I would blog about her; and my reply was, of course!

So today, I want to focus on her and the many “little people” who are impacted by divorce all across this world.  The process of divorce is painful.  When you have become accustomed to a life, be it good or bad, and change comes, friction accompanies it.   Divorce has the ability to transform one’s entire life, and it can be traumatizing not only for adults, but children too.  

Over the years of working with the church and youth, I have seen the emotional damage that can be done to children when parents decide to go their separate ways.  Too often parents become so busy trying to divide and conquer, find their new place in the world, and/or deal with their own pain, they forget that their children are hurting as well.

When I realized that divorce was inevitable for me and my child’s father, I consciously decided that she would know “we didn’t divorce her.”  I was very strategic in how I handled the situation.  I intentionally engaged her with conversations and late night crying spells so that she would learn to express, rather than suppress her emotions.  I refused her the right to be quiet by encouraging her to to communicate.  I empathized with her and allowed her to see me cry.  I expressed my hurt so she would know that she was not alone.

I gave her permission to be upset, frustrated, and to even ask questions.  I did not deny her the right to express how she felt. I watched and recognized her mood swings.  I understood that she was experiencing something different.  It was something that no other child in my immediate family had experienced.  I gave her leniency and emotional outlets through sports and arts, so that she could find her way.  We prayed together, created her a prayer wall, and created vision boards so that she could have hope for something beyond her present situation.

With regards to her dad, I encouraged interactions.  I made sure she understood that he and I still loved her.  I refused to use her as a pawn to control or manipulate her dad.  I made sure it was known to him and his wife that my only concern was the well-being of our daughter.  Despite my own hurt, I wanted to make sure our child suffered as little as possible by the choices we, as adults, made.

Those of you reading this and have gone through or are considering divorce or separation, please keep in mind that children hurt too.  They are usually the overlooked innocent lives caught between two people they love.  They should never have to choose sides.  Neither parent should use the child as a means to inflict hurt or pain. Both parents should try to be as present as possible in the child’s life.  Holidays and special occasions will likely be different for everyone, but it is best to work out arrangements so the child can share time with both parents.   Sometimes planning ahead and being proactive, rather than reactive, is best. 

It is not easy to watch a child cry from disappointments and let downs. It is difficult to look into the eyes of the disappointed child.  We, as adults, must take a higher role.  Both parents must choose to put differences aside and do what’s best for the child/children.  They didn’t have a choice of their parents.  They didn’t choose for the marriage or relationship to split.  They need to know that while the parents might have divorced, they didn’t divorce them.

Today, I say thanks to the amazing individuals who unknowingly showed me a beautiful example of healthy co-parenting.  Through them, I learned to always do what is in the best interest of my daughter, and to do so selflessly.  Today, nearly three years after the divorce, I’d say, we are doing pretty well.

Destiny is excelling in academics and sports.  She is maturing and growing into a beautiful young lady who is learning to communicate her feelings at a greater level.  She loves her dad and her bonus family.  She and I are embracing life in our home.  She has learned to adapt to life’s changes and while we are in great anticipation for a complete home, with the presence of her bonus dad, we wait patiently and we enjoy the process.   Life is good.  Simply because I was sure to tell our Destiny, “we didn’t divorce you!”